Sometimes it’s uncomfortable to know they have read the very inner workings of your madness, your depravity, your grief. Sometimes your joy isn’t yours alone but is shared with those who you’ve never even seen. And you wonder at it all. Where a click of a mouse can mean your life spread open. You want this, you’ve asked for it. Community, and being known, real and whole and true. And you wonder which feels worse, to feel no one is reading your words or to feel everyone is.
I am doing it again. Waffling back and forth, on the fence about the words out there. The ones I share, all too willingly. The ones that pin me like a stuck bug in a collection of specimens to inspect. Lined up, I feel compared, categorized, catalogued. And I have to shake off the lies. These ones that box me up terrified.
And we all gather in forums and blog conferences and twitter streams to talk about blogging dangerously. Writing it out in the places that scare us the most. Making our words matter. On being authentic, finding our voice, and sharing our story. But it’s hard.
Do the authors with their names emblazoned on covers in Barnes and Noble fear that they will be both heard and ignored? I would think they probably do.
Our identity has been damaged since Eden. When words warped with serpentine tongue flicking in our ears. And we hear that whisper so often, “Did God really say…” to write, to share, to find community and stick it out, to commit to those who make it hard to love exacting that price without reimbursement?
And you want to be that grace laden woman, worn down by the weight of glory and the immense awe of God. You want to be the woman who does the things of small wonder and grace, ministering big from the truth.
And it’s hard because I am here again. Again and again, I doubt. That hiss rattling my ear and my soul and my hands as I type.
Lord I doubt, help me believe.
I started writing this and was almost to five minutes when I pushed the wrong key and lost the whole post. I almost called it quits right then but decided that maybe I really do need to post this. So here is my 2nd attempt at my 5 minute Friday.
A flash mob of writers, a community of sisters, a glorious chorus of voices knit together in fellowship. Join us?
1. Write for 5 minutes flat – no editing, no over thinking, no backtracking.
2. Link back here and invite others to join in.
3. And then absolutely, no ifs, ands or buts about it, you need to visit the person who linked up before you & encourage them in their comments. Seriously. That is, like, the rule. And the fun. And the heart of this community..