It’s May and I’m in Love

Dear Josh,

It’s May and someone is in love. The sun is hot and glistening on my naked shoulders. I am fresh, with a face like clean linen, shining eyes and dark lashes low and inspired. You smell like romance. Red roses without the thorns.

 

 

We  send sparks and shivers with every touch, tracing your finger along the hollow shelf of my collarbone. Our rings new and awkward weighing our hands down with the importance of an epic love affair. Your skin is salty and thick. I taste the ocean on you. It’s all a mystery, this love of ours. We are children playing house. All giggles and joy.

 And then it’s May and we are reeling. The thorns have grown out from the romance and we are pierced and  bleeding out. They say your soul mate will be able to look into your eyes and draw something out you never knew existed. And that is true. But this is not beauty.

There is no filter between us and the dregs are seeping through, the unholy parts and oh how they bleed onto everything clean.  I don’t want this to be drawn out, in fact, have denied its very existence. But out it comes, in fiery words and tears, in threats and curses. In confusion and questioning and silence. In insecurities and hurts.

Why is this so hard? Why am I still empty when only a few Mays past you filled me?

The serpent’s bite, so deep and penetrating, fills me with venom. The bitter poison causing my heart to die. And I can’t look at you without despising how far we’ve fallen.

And the doubt. Had I made the wrong choice?  Christian circles tout “the one,”  like a chosen key that only fits one lock. And maybe you aren’t it for me? The key to my happiness. 

And my eyes and heart wander so far. And my ring no longer fits, it is loose and cumbersome and soon forgotten in my jewelry box. That May I forget you, forget our God, forget my promises.

 When I lost you, drifting out of my heart, I felt that it would be forever. I am so clumsy with our love.

And then May comes again. Bringing with it spring and all things new. Broken earth and broken hearts and frost melts from frozen soil revealing the mess beneath. God digs down to the fragile roots, almost dead in the icy ground.

You see me. And I see you are the soul mate that draws out what I never knew existed. The hurts so deep, fangs sunk into wounded flesh from years past and all the lies of happiness and romance and wholeness found not in God. Sucking venom from open wounds, you help draw out my bitterness. Taking on the hurts to save me. Forgiveness.

And my heart begins to beat again. And we are naked and not ashamed. You help cover me. And I see you.

God’s perfect gift to me. Imperfect and broken but unspoiled and holy. The dregs washed cleared in blood.

And then it’s May, and someone is in love. My shoulders have carried burdens  with you. I am no longer fresh-faced, but these eyes can see. The days of labor and hard work drift off your skin and smell like faithfulness. We have known thorns but still plant and reap.

There’s beauty here. We no longer feel our rings, but they have encircled our family.  Familiar as the lines on your face or the feel of your hands, calloused and strong, pulling me close. It’s May and I’m in love.

Love your wife,

Alia

 

 

Linking up with Amber and Seth for Marriage Letters

Comments

  1. Joshua says

    Tis the season of celebration 14 years of love and companionship I love you! Man you’re a great writer, it would have taken me 14 years to write this :)

  2. says

    Incredible. To know Him in the fellowship of his sufferings. Drops of blood flow down. We are pierced to be conformed to Him. So beautiful treatment of how marriage is a narrow path that changes us into what He would have us become.

    Beautiful, you.

    • Alia Joy says

      Thanks Maggie. It’s been a journey for sure but it’s one of the things God has used to teach me so much about His grace and faithfulness. I am truly blessed.

  3. says

    Oh my friend, this is a rare and beautiful treasure. Weeping as I read this, rejoicing with you in God’s faithfulness that seeps through our broken places, fills gaps, spreads joy like a healing balm on tender skin. This is exquisite. Bless you both.

  4. says

    Wow. This is just breathtaking. What a moving love story, what a blessed union to celebrate! Beautiful write, my friend.

    • Alia Joy says

      Thanks friend. Glad to be able to share it after all these years. I can see God’s hand and have come to know the blessings.

  5. says

    Alia, this is just beautiful. Oh, how the Father holds us close through these unions of the heart! Bless you! Thank you so much for sharing this.

    • Alia Joy says

      Yes! So thankful for God’s grace for me but also the way the Father disciplines and holds His children. He has truly been the glue. Thanks for reading along.

  6. says

    Hi Alia,
    I don’t know how I stumbled across your blog, but I’m glad I did. This is a beautiful post! You’re a great writer. I’m excited to read more about you.
    ~ Lauren

  7. says

    What a tribute to love that bears all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Reminds me of the verse, “She who has been forgiven of much, loves much.” Your love has been tested and found strong. Happy Valentine’s to you both.
    Love these lines…
    “And I can’t look at you without despising how far we’ve fallen.”
    “My shoulders have carried burdens with you. I am no longer fresh-faced, but these eyes can see. The days of labor and hard work drift off your skin and smell like faithfulness. We have known thorns but still plant and reap.”
    “We no longer feel our rings, but they have encircled our family. “

  8. Tanya Marlow says

    I have no words. But I want to say lots at the same time!

    This was breathtakingly beautiful. I loved your post last Friday too – amazingly written. It makes my heart glad to hear a good love story, of continuing, and pushing past the thorns. Amazing.

    AND – I love the photos of you! It’s really nice to get more of a sense of your journey, even through the snapshots. They capture so much.

  9. says

    So beautiful, Alia. Wouldn’t it be nice if young married couples got to read love letters like these more often instead of ones that sound fairytale-ish? I love how you’ve wrapped so much honesty into your love story.

Trackbacks

  1. [...] You’ll doubt it and fight it and forget it but he is a gift for you. God knew what you needed even when you didn’t.  You think you are low maintenance but let me just tell you that you are not. A part of you  will make things worse to make them better. Give him the grace he gives you. It will change your marriage. [...]

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